you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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