I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
