I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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