It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
