we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
