Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
