and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
