I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
