i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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