I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
