you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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