Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
