so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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