A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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