It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hippo gnu deer
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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