It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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