Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize