i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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