The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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