I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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