Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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