Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
