I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
