I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We are two peas in an std pod
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
