Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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