Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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