i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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