I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize