Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
