Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
