well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
