Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I can't turn off my feet"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
