Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
