He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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