so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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