Do you still have your period?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
