omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
