Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
