Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
