So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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