Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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