the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
