So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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