she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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