Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
