So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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