party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
