omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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