the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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