I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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