Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
