I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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