I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Michael Bay diarrhea
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
