We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
