my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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